Things Emotionally Intelligent People Never Say

Article Guide:

• What this post will include: An explanation of why certain common phrases hurt others, a compiled list of specific phrases emotionally intelligent people avoid, clear answers to the 10 most common questions about using language with empathy, and practical tips for communicating more wisely.
• Who it is for: Young adults and professionals who want to communicate with more empathy and emotional intelligence in personal and work relationships.
• What you will learn: Which phrases to avoid if you want to show high emotional intelligence, how to respond more supportively instead, and concrete strategies to improve empathy, listening, and communication skills.

Introduction

Emotional intelligence (EQ) is about managing feelings well and caring for others’ feelings. Research shows that people who handle emotions skillfully tend to have better relationships and less stress. One big part of EQ is choosing words carefully. Phrases that seem helpful or harmless can actually hurt or frustrate others. This post lists common phrases that emotionally intelligent people avoid saying, explains why they are harmful, and offers better ways to communicate.

Emotionally intelligent people listen more than they speak. They think about how their words affect someone else before they talk. By avoiding certain “default” phrases, they prevent misunderstandings and show respect. We’ll cover examples of phrases to avoid, answer common questions about emotional communication, and give tips for saying the right things.

Phrases to Avoid (What Empathetic People Don’t Say)

Emotionally intelligent people tend to avoid phrases that dismiss or judge others’ feelings. For example:

• “You’re overreacting.” 

This phrase invalidates the other person’s feelings by implying they shouldn’t feel so strongly. High-EQ people know that each person has their own emotional triggers and can respond differently. Saying “You’re overreacting” shuts down conversation. Instead, emotionally intelligent people might say, “That sounds really hard, tell me more,” or simply listen without judgment.

• “You shouldn’t feel that way.” 

Telling someone how they should feel is like grading their emotions. It makes people feel judged or wrong for feeling pain. Emotionally intelligent communicators understand that feelings “aren’t right or wrong – they simply are”. Instead of saying “You shouldn’t be upset,” they might say, “I see you’re upset, and I want to understand why.” This validates the emotion without criticizing it.

• “I know exactly how you feel.”

Even if you’ve had a similar experience, saying this shifts focus to you and often feels dismissive. Psychologists call this “conversational narcissism”. Emotionally intelligent people instead listen and ask questions. They might say, “I’m sorry you’re going through this. What’s it like for you?” to show empathy without making it about themselves.

• “Calm down.” 

This is one of the most common phrases to avoid. It may seem helpful, but it usually backfires. As one communication expert explains, nobody ever calmed down after being told to; it comes off as condescending. It implies “your feelings are inconvenient for me.” High-EQ people recognize this and offer support instead. For example, they might say, “I can see this is really upsetting. I’m here to help.” This acknowledges the emotion instead of trying to shut it off.

• “Whatever.”

 A single word like “whatever” can instantly end a conversation. It signals that you’ve emotionally checked out and that nothing the other person says matters. Even in a disagreement, emotionally intelligent people avoid this. They stay engaged by saying something more specific. For instance, if annoyed, they might say, “I’m upset right now. Can we talk about this calmly?” instead of a flat “Whatever.”

• Absolutes: “You always…” / “You never…”

 Phrases with “always” or “never” exaggerate a problem and attack the person’s character. For example, “You never listen to me” becomes an unfair accusation. Emotionally intelligent speakers stick to the facts of one incident: “When you didn’t reply, I felt ignored.” This way, the conversation stays on the issue instead of blowing up into a fight.

• Blame: “It’s your fault.” / “You failed.” 

Assigning blame makes people defensive. High-EQ people know that blaming lowers defenses and trust. Instead of “This is all your fault,” they might say, “Let’s figure out what happened and how to fix it.” They focus on solutions and understanding, not on finger-pointing.

• Dismissive comparisons: “At least it’s not as bad as…” 

Trying to minimize someone’s feelings by comparing to others’ worse problems is hurtful. It suggests “Your problem isn’t important.” Emotionally intelligent people avoid this. They know that comparing pain usually just makes someone feel alone. They might instead say, “I’m sorry you’re going through this,” and listen, giving the person space to vent.

• Sarcasm or passive-aggressive phrases: 

Phrases like “No offense, but…” or “I’m just being honest” are warnings that something hurtful is coming. They rarely soften criticism. In fact, emotionally intelligent people will give direct feedback without hiding behind “honesty” or “I’m not trying to be mean.” For example, they might say, “I have some concerns about this idea – can I share?” without a preface. This respects the other person’s feelings rather than trying to dodge accountability.

• Self-focused excuses: “That’s just how I am.” 

Saying this shuts down any chance for growth or understanding. It tells others you won’t change or listen. Emotionally intelligent individuals admit their faults and show willingness to improve. Instead of “That’s just how I am,” they might say, “I realize this bothers you – I want to work on it.” This openness builds respect and trust.

• Indifference: “I don’t care.” 

Even if you truly don’t care about something small, saying it to a person who does care sounds cold and dismissive. This phrase essentially tells someone their feelings and interests are unimportant. High-EQ people avoid this. If something isn’t urgent, they explain it calmly: “I’m focused on a deadline right now, can we discuss this later?” This shows consideration rather than brushing people off.

Each of these phrases shifts attention away from the other person’s feelings or makes them feel judged. Emotionally intelligent people catch themselves before speaking and choose kinder words. They listen first and respond with understanding.